Monday, August 25, 2014

Just stop it

I want to stop living in fear.


Friday, August 15, 2014

It's not easy.. So let's end my post with a funny!


The previous post was 3 years ago.

(Warning : This is a rant post!)
There's a reason why I keep my blogs alive, this and the old 5074 are still up and very much accessible. I think I'm just not able to close them. No matter how ugly the posts were, how much I was talking bad about others and even ridiculing myself, it was me, serves as a reminder of the young and foolish me.

The one that was passionate yet pessimistic. The one that was hopeless and hopeful at the same time.

It is weird when people bring up reading about my blog posts in conversations that happen now. It's like someone discovered my unwashed dirty laundry that has been sitting there unsightly when I've tried to just put it aside. It's weird, it's worrisome that people will judge how you are now from what you've said in the past. Mine was filled with curses and tears. And how does a mere spectator, a person that reads all my sadness and happiness be able to judge?

But yet, I cannot bear to close them down. They are me and very much part of me. No point hiding them, it's out there, I'm out there. Why? For the simple reason that I want to change.

Then comes to why I can't continue. My blog posts feel like they are set in stone. It weighs and I'm afraid it may pull me under in the future. I can't express all I want to. I can't say why I'm such a happy person now. Judgement is out there. I love and I hate my blog. I loved how I never had fear in the past of talking about things that I want to. I hate how much I need to censor myself now that I'm all grown. There's so many things to talk about...

Maybe I'll just stop ranting here and start trying again. And I need to find my own way.

Let me end this rant with a photo that may be able to describe just how I am now:

Cue laughter pleaseeeeee...

(End of Rant for Now!)
Anyways, just a few quick statements from mua..

I am a happier person. Look at my Signature Darlie Smiles.

I have great support and I largely credit it to my pillar, you know who you are (You-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Just-Because-It's-Interesting-That-Way).

I'm a fitter person, not as fit as I want to be but slowly getting there... please don't die of laughter or roll your eyes at this... lol.

I want to help people. I want to listen and be able to make a difference with my life.

I will have a place I call my own.

Oh ya! Here's an interesting link!

I relate a lot to #3. lololol.

It's so late, I miss my chaochao now................. Guess I shall go back to sleep for now.

Tmr CHOIR with the LKKs (fingers crossed that He doesn't talk too much again and we'll be able to have good solid practice for our upcoming performance).

Oh and had an awesome din din birthday celebration for Cwoon with the Layyen & Ruey and plus ones minus one. -.- Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I probably should've ordered the steak, but heck... save money for Imma need it real sooooonz for tuition fees all over again. *Cries

Friday, September 23, 2011

4th - Meet Me Halfway

Hmmmm.. Not quite a hectic day but still didn't achieve much from my previous to do list! Gah!

1) Entertainment for D Meet
2) Script - To come up with new and updated script
3) Rcs F. Dept  job list - this one's been pending for a long timeee... don't think anyone will do their tasks if they're not pushed or written in stone. sigh.. the spirit of it, salahhhh...
4) Daimoku records.
5) Email out D. Meet topic / material for Rcs.

6) Learn up Alam Tanahair song

RFP... gahhhhhhhhhhh......................... Tested out the script a lil.... gahhhhh!!! I don't have the flair of an emcee.. I don't have the intonations or fluency of speech sometimes. I really think i need to chant hard for this.... instead of the veterans heading / doing most of it... I get a big chunk of the script or should I say I'm talking from start to finish! Something that I didn't expect at all... :( worrieeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssss...........

On another note, Eng Ann Mamak's rotiiiiii kosong was nice! Teh Tarik at one point had a hint of Kofi to it... hmmmmm... I need to keep up my 1 hour chanting per day... not kidding that it's dai-ing d :(

Keep pushing forward Kxin!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Step Step Step...

OMGhzn... my nerves.. lol... feels crazyyyy...

Hmmmm slow day at work again.. I really cannot stand looking at the bloody filing that I have to do. Everything else, letters, follow ups and calls and calculations NO PROBLEM but I hate it the most when it comes to filing. And gah yes, I haven't been doing a really good job at it.. I really pull back and hesitate a lot but the annoyance is really putting me far behind in completion of my work. Everything else can't start without it. Time to really put my eyes and heart into it... Sigh... I really, don't, like, filing. I do feel like crying whenever my dad's partner sits me down to do a walk through and check on it... Kinda feel like a failure every single time there's something missing or wrong with it. Guess that's why I got no heart to do it anymore. Time to face my fears....!!

LOL. The above was 1 full paragraph dedicated to complain about filing.

Anyways, had a very productive day today. A, L and S came for the Kayo Kai meet which I'm extremely happy about! It's all 'cause of homevisit I tell you!! Must make sure we keep up all the homevisits that we've doneeee! before long, we won't know who else to visit.. hahahaaha.. : ) It's always nice to have new faces and indirectly new sisters. N couldn't make it and sigh, I guess I should've called or spoken to her and not just left it at the SMS. Need to take note to put in more effort into stuff! Kxin..................... Do better!

Actually sent CYL to school today coz aunty AnG was out with my mum... Rushed over to pick her up at 12.45pm. dropped her off and parked really further than S's house.. Poorthing her also coz she gotta depend on ppl to take her stuff like bags and all. I bet she doesn't feel happy about the arrangement coz could see she feels bad about it. But anyways, jsut hung around at the waiting place with her and was approached by school prefects. LOL. they didn't know who I was and just wanted to inform her to get a pass for me so that she's able to have visitors wait with her there. Girl prefects was like saying... "ermmm.. so your... ermm... mum??? can wait here with you"... omg. MOM. sigh. yes i know, I look like an aunty.

anyways let's just leave that there.

Then had a small little project of prayer list or victory daimoku to do. very productive indeed! So we have a prayer list next to the butsudan for all to see and pray for good health! took us an hour plus awhile to crack our heads but it's there!

Oh yeah, discussion meet prep didn't happen today.. sigh.. was hoping it would... but yeah, time to really put my thinking cap on and do something about the entertainment. GHT mentioned about this month being the month of Peace and next month Gokuyo time.. apparently there's a few buddhist stories on this, maybe a story telling session? Or an informative RFP facts and FAQs for the crowd to be prepared for the run?

Which reminds me! The Script IS NOT DONE. GAH! Gotta do it if not takkan go empty handed to see the  committee right? The rest aren't that nervous, maybe it's not sooooo needed? Not sure..

So yeah 4 things:
1) Entertainment for D Meet
2) Script
3) Rcs F. Dept  job list - this one's been pending for a long timeee... don't think anyone will do their tasks if they're not pushed or written in stone. sigh.. the spirit of it, salahhhh...
4) Daimoku records.
5) Email out D. Meet topic / material for Rcs.

Guess this will be my diary on things to do.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Step Two

Waking up these few mornings is hard, probably it's because of my aching back or maybe 'cause I don't know what I'm doing any more? Most times feel like I've lost control of my life a lil. But I think I'm passed that already... Time to start looking into my life and be the navigator of it. Time to take over the reigns and be captain instead of that soulless zombie.

Emcee for Run For Peace 2011? I shake and am weak in my knees knowing that I'll talk in front of 8,000 people. Let's not talk about those that are really judgemental! I know I get pretty tongue tied and go off like speedy gonzales when I get nervous.! How can one person be tongue tied and speedy gonzales right? Kinda relying on Mr. Loh and Ms. Chin on this because I'm not too sure what to do or react. But I know there's no laying back on this!

Tonight there'll be an Ikeda Kayo Kai meeting, not too sure who's conducting it, probably best to check and find out rather than later plus after that I'll have a discussion meeting prep. No news on that yet, maybe best to check up on that as well. Gotta handle the entertainment part on discussion meeting but still no ideas. Hmmm...

Let's go Kxin.

P.S. Kayo Kai's settled and discussion meet prep is underway tonight. but what to do for entertainment... hmmmmmmm...

First Step

First step to change is admitting that things have changed and that I need to change with it. Time to really grow and stop thinking about it.

I'm sorry I'm no longer the same person anymore. I've said what needs to be said and I want everyone to start moving forward already. Time to do it and no longer just say it. Do this, and we'll all see our futures again.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Mind filled with thoughts

I can't stop it rolling and rolling and rolling in the deep..